I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
