i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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