the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
