I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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