half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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