Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize