dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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