11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
