I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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