Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
