he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
