i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
