dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
