if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
