I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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