I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it hurts more in the daytime
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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