it's too hot outside to masturbate.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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