Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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