Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
