I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
