It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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