I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
