if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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