Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
