the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
