I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
