I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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