i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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