i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
