Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
