i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
