my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
