if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
