I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize