What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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