If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
