Soap is not a condiment
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
