You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
