the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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