Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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