i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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