I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
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The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i believe in u and ur pee
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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