Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
