Your tits are I can't wait for
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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