I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
