She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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