it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
