im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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