Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
