So drunk its hurt
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
