Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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