I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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