I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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