i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
