remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
