i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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