Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
