I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
