My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
