Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
