can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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