i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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